The hook, Captain
Filed under Writing Journal on March 5, 2007
Tagged: hooks, Relvan's Rescue
Loyal readers and fellow writers, get out your virtual red pens, I need your help. Before I send out “Relvan’s Rescue” to another round of editors, I want to polish the hook. The quick turnaround I received on my last submission (did I mention I got the email rejection on the same day I submitted) led me to conclude that the editor got no further than the cover letter.
I hate cover letters. I’ve written enough of them when applying for jobs that I know the format inside and out, and feel comfortable “bending the rules” on occasion. Not so with queries/hooks. The last one I wrote is clearly a synopsis, rather than a cross between synopsis and back cover marketing copy. So, without further ado, here is the most recent draft of my hook for “Relvan’s Rescue”:
Disciplined and without regret, Captain Janner Kohl exemplifies the professional soldier. When the commander of his mercenary guild orders him to rescue the kidnapped son of an old flame from pirates, Janner wonders if he really has lived without regret–at least in regard to his feelings for her. And the raw recruits he’s forced to train for the mission test his patience and push his self-control to its limits.
Things get no better when the squad finally sets sail. One of the recruits betrays them to the pirates and their ship is destroyed. Janner must rely on the aid of an old shaman to infiltrate the pirate camp and free the boy. However, when he learns the pirates are really a rival mercenary guild trying to start a war, Janner gambles the success of the rescue to unmask their plot.
Suggestions?
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March 5th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
To be honest, my first impressions reading that is, “Wow, that’s a lot of different stuff to shove into a short story”. It doesn’t hook me in effectively because it sounds like the plotline is going to shift a lot and pulling off a cohesive story would be difficult.
With all the different concepts (love interest, rebellion/spy, master-mentor, unwitting allies, etc) and plot twists, I can see how an editor who may be looking for something a bit more straight forward could shy away from it.
You could do a very interesting short story just focusing on the old relationship and the challenges your protagonist faces going to save a son that maybe should have been his. It really gets muddled with the “And on top of that, THIS!” and “But wait, there’s even MORE!” The love interest part mentioned at the beginning is likely to be lost in the din of the rival guild plots that must be unmasked.
My opinion, anyway. You may have the talent to pull it off, but will an editor take that chance?
March 6th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Quick question, Kam. Is this hook meant to be more like a back cover description…or a mini synopsis. It reads like the latter. It seems to be telling the story a little too much, while not teasing enough. Does that make sense?
March 6th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
According to Miss Snark’s Crap-o-meter, a hook should contain the following “basic” elements:
Basically, it should be a happy medium between a synopsis and back cover copy. I’ve found I tend to lean toward the synopsis end of the continuum, so your observation does make sense.
March 8th, 2007 at 8:42 am
Hi Kameron. Even with my success with Miss Vater’s own crap o meter, keep in mind I’m still floundering through this too. Take all comments with a tablespoon or two of salt.
Initial thoughts: It feels a bit disjointed, but I’m not sure why… It has complex layers, which I like (Veteran’s proud shell cracks from doubt (question his life), rescue mission, betrayal, stakes of the mission raised, etc.), but they are laid out separately instead of tying back together like they probably do in your story. I’m going to break down your hook and write my train of thoughts. Maybe that’ll help you see what an editor might be thinking.
“Disciplined and without regret, Captain Janner Kohl exemplifies the professional soldier. When the commander of his mercenary guild orders him to rescue the kidnapped son of an old flame from pirates, Janner wonders if he really has lived without regret–at least in regard to his feelings for her.” – This tells us how others see him, yes, but how does he see himself? Maybe mention his soldier’s pride here. Then when he questions his life without regret, it has more meaning than just a philosophical exercise.
“And the raw recruits he’s forced to train for the mission test his patience and push his self-control to its limits.” – This feels tacked on. Actually, is it needed here in the hook? If not, you could replace “recruits” with “men” in the next line.
“Things get no better when the squad finally sets sail. One of the recruits betrays them to the pirates and their ship is destroyed.” – Good.
“Janner must rely on the aid of an old shaman to infiltrate the pirate camp and free the boy.” – Is he alone here or still leading his band of recruits?
“However, when he learns the pirates are really a rival mercenary guild trying to start a war, Janner gambles the success of the rescue to unmask their plot.” – This doesn’t have the punch it could have. A way to grab someone’s interest is to end with a question (a strategy I use in my training materials all the time). Pose the end scenario in a question so the editor wants to find out what happens. Example: On the verge of rescuing the boy, Janner discovers the pirates are really a rival mercenary guild plotting to start a war. Will Janner honor his past love and save her son? Or is sacrificing the boy’s life to stop a war a regret he’s willing to accept?
I rambled a bit. I hope something here helps. I’ve been hearing about this story for years now and want to pick up a magazine to read it.