Comments on: Janner Kohl presses on http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/ Talking shop with fantasy fiction author Kameron M. Franklin Wed, 10 Mar 2010 19:28:03 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Kameron http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/comment-page-1/#comment-646 Kameron Thu, 22 Mar 2007 19:41:25 +0000 http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/#comment-646 Yeah, I also missed an "a" in "the pirates are really mercenaries from rival guild" :o Yeah, I also missed an “a” in “the pirates are really mercenaries from rival guild” :o

]]> By: Lukahn http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/comment-page-1/#comment-645 Lukahn Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:01:16 +0000 http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/#comment-645 Nice, I like this one a lot better. Something still seems a little off to me with the flow, maybe it's the odd shift to "Sea monsters and betrayal..." Maybe if you switched the sentence around, "Janner is kept from dwelling on these private concerns by betrayal to the pirates by one of his men." Hmm, I don't really like that either though. Oh, one other thing I noticed, I think you missed putting in the word "an" here: "orders him to rescue the kidnapped son of old flame from pirates" "orders him to rescue the kidnapped son of an old flame from pirates" Anyway, I hope you have success in getting this picked up and published! Nice, I like this one a lot better. Something still seems a little off to me with the flow, maybe it’s the odd shift to “Sea monsters and betrayal…” Maybe if you switched the sentence around, “Janner is kept from dwelling on these private concerns by betrayal to the pirates by one of his men.” Hmm, I don’t really like that either though.

Oh, one other thing I noticed, I think you missed putting in the word “an” here:
“orders him to rescue the kidnapped son of old flame from pirates”
“orders him to rescue the kidnapped son of an old flame from pirates”

Anyway, I hope you have success in getting this picked up and published!

]]> By: stuart http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/comment-page-1/#comment-644 stuart Thu, 22 Mar 2007 15:48:08 +0000 http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/#comment-644 Nice job, Kam. Very tight, and it gets across the conflict, characters and drama much better. Nice job, Kam. Very tight, and it gets across the conflict, characters and drama much better.

]]> By: Kameron http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/comment-page-1/#comment-643 Kameron Thu, 22 Mar 2007 01:01:14 +0000 http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/#comment-643 Sure. Here's the one I sent to IGMS: Captain Janner Kohl takes pride in his discipline and his philosophy of no regret. He strives to be the model of a professional soldier. However, when the commander of his mercenary guild orders him to rescue the kidnapped son of old flame from pirates, Janner wonders if he really has lived without regret–at least in regard to his feelings for her. Sea monsters and betrayal to the pirates by one of the men in the squad keeps Janner from dwelling on his private concerns. Forced to flee their sinking ship, the mercenary captain and his second-in-command must rely upon the aid of an old shaman to infiltrate the pirate camp and free the boy. During the attempt, Janner learns the pirates are really mercenaries from rival guild trying to start a war, and he must decide if he can honor his promise to his former love or sacrifice the success of the mission to unmask the plot. Sure. Here’s the one I sent to IGMS:

Captain Janner Kohl takes pride in his discipline and his philosophy of no regret. He strives to be the model of a professional soldier. However, when the commander of his mercenary guild orders him to rescue the kidnapped son of old flame from pirates, Janner wonders if he really has lived without regret–at least in regard to his feelings for her. Sea monsters and betrayal to the pirates by one of the men in the squad keeps Janner from dwelling on his private concerns. Forced to flee their sinking ship, the mercenary captain and his second-in-command must rely upon the aid of an old shaman to infiltrate the pirate camp and free the boy. During the attempt, Janner learns the pirates are really mercenaries from rival guild trying to start a war, and he must decide if he can honor his promise to his former love or sacrifice the success of the mission to unmask the plot.

]]> By: Lukahn http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/comment-page-1/#comment-642 Lukahn Wed, 21 Mar 2007 17:36:29 +0000 http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/#comment-642 Do we get to read your polished version? I'm curious as to what changes you made from the original. Do we get to read your polished version? I’m curious as to what changes you made from the original.

]]> By: stuart http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/comment-page-1/#comment-641 stuart Tue, 20 Mar 2007 21:30:22 +0000 http://www.pensandswords.com/2007/03/20/the-further-submissions-of-janner-kohl/#comment-641 I sent my pirate story to Realms this week. Great minds and all that. lol I figured it was sitting on my harddrive, I figured I might as well send it in... I need to build up my stack of rejections anyway. ;) Good luck on your submissions! I sent my pirate story to Realms this week. Great minds and all that. lol

I figured it was sitting on my harddrive, I figured I might as well send it in… I need to build up my stack of rejections anyway. ;)

Good luck on your submissions!

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