Skipping the details
Filed under Tips & Tools, Writing Journal on July 22, 2008
Tagged: descriptions, Logan Shadowhand, Shattered Amulet
I envision a scene in my head first then write. The more vivid the pictures in my mind, the easier it is for me to write. Of course, this method comes with drawbacks. If my mental vision is muddied, I struggle putting words down. My descriptions also tend to rely on visual cues more than other senses because I’m writing what I “see.”
Another result of this visual writing is my tendency to perform description dumps: comma-separated lists of what someone or something looks like that interrupt the narrative flow. It’s a natural consequence of the desire to convey a clarity of vision, but it’s poor writing.
I’ve been struggling with a scene in chapter three where I introduce a trio of major characters. Conventional wisdom recommends providing readers with a description of characters when they are first introduced, as doing so later creates dissonance with the visualization the reader forms on their own. Of the three characters, I had clear pictures of facial features and general build for two of them, but vague notions of their wardrobe. The third character was more nebulous.
It showed in the writing. Here are the two original paragraphs that introduce the characters:
“Ah, Mage Vexnyr.” A blond-haired man in a dark green doublet made his way around the table to approach Logan and Vexnyr from their left. He extended his hand in greeting, a gesture Vexnyr returned with reluctance.
A man and woman entered the room, arm in arm. He wore a doublet of rich blue with silver thread pinstripes that complemented the gray highlights in the temples of his otherwise dark, close-cropped hair. She wore a floor-length gown of flowing, pearly silk that shimmered in the light from the hearth. A simple, silver band held her strawberry blond tresses away from her face, revealing olive skin, high cheekbones, almond-shaped emerald eyes, and pointed ears.
The authority and charisma that adorned the pair outshone any of their garments and accessories, announcing them without need for a herald.
I sat on these sections for a few weeks, unable to get past them every time I opened the file. As the frustration mounted, I finally did something I’ve never done before with my writing, but have always toyed with. I skipped ahead.
I know several writers who regularly jump all around their manuscripts, writing chapters and scenes out of order. That’s not my strong suit. I work better in a linear fashion. In this case, however, I needed to do something to break the block. Fortunately, I have a good outline that prevents me from creating big holes in the plot.
So, I started chapter four. And was struck by inspiration after only a paragraph. Why not just skip the details? Logan Shadowhand is the POV character, a small-time thief in over his head. He’s not going to focus on what everyone is wearing, or even facial features, unless they’re significantly unusual to him. Here are the revised paragraphs introducing the three characters:
“Ah, Mage Vexnyr.” A man near the hearth turned at their entrance. He smoothed his dark green doublet before making his way toward them, the blond strands of his hair bouncing and swaying with each stride. He extended his hand in greeting, a gesture Vexnyr returned with reluctance.
A man and woman entered the room, arm in arm. The authority and charisma that adorned the pair outshone all of their fine, silk garments, yet Logan found himself staring at the pair for an entirely different reason. A simple, silver band held the woman’s strawberry blond tresses away from her face, revealing olive skin, high cheekbones, almond-shaped emerald eyes, and pointed ears. She was sylvar, the first Logan had ever seen.
I’m risking conflict with the reader’s conceptualization if I choose to provide more details later, but I’m much happier with the integration of the description into the narrative flow. And I also feel like I’ve stayed true to Logan’s point of view.
How do you prefer an author handles description? Do you like a plethora of detail, or would you rather fill in your own pictures based on the character interactions and emotions evoked? Feel free to comment on my revised paragraphs, as well.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 am
I like the revision, because you haven’t dropped much of the detail but have worked it into the narrative. It sounds less like you are describing the characters just because you feel the need to describe them. The details are part of the action, which as you say makes the narrative flow much better.
And even though the second to last sentence is still simply description, the final sentence tells us why there is such a description, taking it out of the “description for description sake” mode.
I usually don’t fill in details of characters as I’m reading. I usually only go by what I’m given and fill in details only as necessary, that way it is easy to add pieces to my vision if the author gives me something a bit later. Most of the time the vision forms fully based on how the characters act, or the more I read on them and imagine them in various situations and settings.
One thing you may consider adding to these descriptions is a hint of age, though. Usually when I look at someone in real life, I don’t notice what they are wearing (unless it is very strange or different), but I DO notice about how old they are, as well as general “attractiveness” level.
Originally you noted the man had grey hair at his temples, which gave me an entirely different picture of him than I get from the second narrative, which only puts him in silk robes next to a young(?) beauty. Since I don’t have any notion of the age of the man, my mental picture likely would put him about the same age as the woman. If that comes into play later, it may be quite a shock.
Simply adding an adjective to the couple’s intro would suffice rather than trying to cram in another sentence to re-capture the grey hair part: “A middle-aged man and a younger woman entered the room, arm in arm.” Or something to that affect.
Lukahn’s last blog post was Maiden of Pain
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I agree with the new revision.
For me, the big thing with descriptions is to make absolutely sure I know which parts need to make it in in the beginning. For your revised second example, there’s the authority (ah, they’ve got rank and deserve it) and the sylvar features of the young woman there. Then I get those in first. The rest of it I thread in as it becomes necessary.
I’m not sure I could re-encapsulate all my views of how to get a character across with description alone in the length of a decent comment, but this http://exchangeofrealities.today.com/2008/07/01/what-we-didnt-say/ pretty much sums up my opinion on ways to get the characters across, both in appearance and in attitude, without having to freeze a scene to describe their clothing.
Excellent post; looking forward to the next!
Ravyn’s last blog post was Character Evolution: The Company They Keep
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Nice blog post Ravyn, but I didn’t get quite everything out of the later paragraphs that you had put into the first. In fact, it would have been an interesting study to have the narrative paragraphs first, and then list all the things you included in a quick descriptive paragraph at the end. I think that would have more effectively shown how you “show” a character rather than simply describing them. Because I got the description first, though, I had additional knowledge that I may have been able to infer (or not), but I didn’t have the choice as I already had that in my head. Have another character you have described this way? I’m curious if I can pick up your subtleties in description.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I tend to ask myself this, whenever it comes to descriptions or detail – does it matter?
Meaning … does it matter if my heroine is a blonde or a brunette? Probably not.
Does it matter that her gown is blue satin? Probably not.
However, I may want to mention that her dress is slightly worn, or the hem is tattered, if she’s being introduced at a fancy ball. That way, I can hint on the fact that she’s poorer than the other folks at the ball … or at least she’s not what she seems.
I may want to mention the fact that she has flaming red hair, so that’s why she initially gathers so much attention when she enters the ballroom. Or maybe it’s because she no one knows who she is, and her red hair makes her resemble somebody important, who I introduced two chapters ago.
Description and detail – at least in my opinion – needs to serve a distinct purpose apart from just giving the reader a mental picture of what’s going on. If that’s all that they’re doing, I rarely use them.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
A good point to remember, Mike. I think description is necessary in longer works just for the purpose of helping anchor the reader in the setting, but I’ve read plenty of short stories where no physical description was given to any of the characters or locales, and I had no problem “seeing” the story.
July 25th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I like mixing it up a bit more.
This might not be quite right, but it seems like this fellow is a bit unctuous and so a bit of primping before he says hello might convey a sense of distrust?
On the second paragraph, why not describe the woman and how stunning she is and then mention her companion almost as an afterthought. Certainly would make him pale in comparison.
As for my personal preference for description, I’m a big fan of John Steinbeck’s Sweet Thursday. The introduction is a hoot on the way authors and readers look at description and dialogue.
Jamie Grove – How Not To Write’s last blog post was The Maybe Flower – What Maybe Does to Your Writing
July 26th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Actually, the man in the first paragraph is steeling himself for an unpleasant duty. Heh, the dangers of not knowing the context. As for the second paragraph, the woman is definitely what steals Logan’s attention. I’ll give your suggestion some thought.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:56 am
For my part, I’m just glad to see Logan alive and well.
//H
August 4th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Lukahn: Sorry it took me so long to get around to replying to your request. Here, have a character and some subtext. I recommend not looking at the comments until you’ve made your own guesses, though.
http://exchangeofrealities.today.com/2008/08/02/impractical-applications-week-7/
Ravyn’s last blog post was Incorporating the Inhuman: The Skeleton of the Other