Comments on: Cult http://www.pensandswords.com/2009/10/16/cult/ Talking shop with fantasy fiction author Kameron M. Franklin Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:15:51 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Kameron http://www.pensandswords.com/2009/10/16/cult/comment-page-1/#comment-53576 Kameron Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:31:29 +0000 http://www.pensandswords.com/?p=1005#comment-53576 Thanks. Editorial suggestions are welcome, as I typically don't do more than a cursory proofread before posting these. Thanks. Editorial suggestions are welcome, as I typically don’t do more than a cursory proofread before posting these.

]]> By: J.M. Martin http://www.pensandswords.com/2009/10/16/cult/comment-page-1/#comment-53574 J.M. Martin Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:04:25 +0000 http://www.pensandswords.com/?p=1005#comment-53574 Nice snippet, Kameron! I'll go look for what you've posted previously on this. I'm intrigued. Two quick and simple editorial suggestions, if you don't mind... -- Omitted word "you" in: I cast a questioning look at Pelban, but he just shrugged back. “Fine. What do want from me then? -- Cumbersome sentence: The weight of my uncertain future fell full upon me at that moment, and I felt despair welling inside. Felt, future, full, and feel bog this sentence down. My eyes stumbled over it and I had to read it twice. Suggest something like: The weight of uncertainty fell upon me, and despair started welling up inside. -- .-= J.M. Martin´s last blog ..<a href="http://corpseofmilk.blogspot.com/2009/10/they-use-my-bathroom.html" rel="nofollow">“…They Use My Bathroom”</a> =-. Nice snippet, Kameron! I’ll go look for what you’ve posted previously on this. I’m intrigued.

Two quick and simple editorial suggestions, if you don’t mind…

–

Omitted word “you” in:

I cast a questioning look at Pelban, but he just shrugged back. “Fine. What do want from me then?

–

Cumbersome sentence:

The weight of my uncertain future fell full upon me at that moment, and I felt despair welling inside.

Felt, future, full, and feel bog this sentence down. My eyes stumbled over it and I had to read it twice. Suggest something like:

The weight of uncertainty fell upon me, and despair started welling up inside.

–
.-= J.M. Martin´s last blog ..“…They Use My Bathroom” =-.

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